Even the King of Hell wants somebody sometimes. And he has to find them the same way as everybody else.
The blank screen was mocking him. What was he actually looking for?
Crowley considered which kind of species he preferred as a play mate. A demon was the logical choice, there would be clear expectations and the demon would be adjustable to his preferences in looks; getting a new meat suit was ridiculously easy nowadays. On the other hand, a demon was a demon, a lying, conniving creature just out for themselves and their own interests. He should know, he was one himself and had done a lot of damage to get the position he had against older and stronger demons.
Then there was the other option of finding a fitting human. There were so many of them, and with modern technology it would be a lot easier to find somebody who fitted his criteria. Another thing in their favor was the fact that they didn't have the ability to harm him and his position or betray him to his enemies. And if they stopped being what he wanted they were easily disposable.
Of course, humans were very breakable. Even if he found a human that fitted all his sexual preferences, they just weren't built to take or meet out that much damage. Perhaps the best choice would be a human for the company and a demon for his physical enjoyment?
He would have to think about that. The next problem was where to find to find somebody fitting. The internet, yes, but there were so many sites, some more geared for the sexual aspect, some more geared to find a good match for everything else, some were for finding friendships of all sorts, some were occupied by people looking for spouses.
A small part of him debated that it would only be fitting for the King of Hell to frequent sites specifically for Christian and Jewish singles but in the end he decided against it. It would have been a great pun.
Okay, he would start with a human and then see if he needed someone or something else on the side. If he started with the questions about himself first he would have more time to think about what he was actually searching for.
A few clicks later Crowley stared at the questions.
A sigh. This would be a lot harder than he had expected.
As far as first dates went, Crowley had seen worse. That didn't change the fact that this meeting was a disaster.
Jennifer was well educated, had a great body and the blandest personality he had seen in at least 200 years. How could one human manage to be that bland and boring?
While she went on about her latest activities Crowley contemplated if he should get her to make a deal for her soul. At least this way his time for this date wouldn't have been totally lost. More than that, King of Hell or not, Crowley was still a salesman down to his rotten demonified soul. He smiled at his date and waited for the perfect opening.
His second try of meeting somebody from the e-dating site was even worse than the first one.
The photo he had been sent had to be at least 15 years and 3 stones ago. And yes, he got that you lied about things in these profiles, he himself was listed with the name of Roderick and an occupation as an entrepreneur and in sales, but he kept more or less to the truth. He thought it would be the best approach since he wanted to find somebody who actually fitted what he searched for. Seemed as if not every human on this site understood that concept.
He was a demon, he knew that the meat-suit was not the important part, but his date had lied about more than just that. All in all, this was nothing but a waste of time and energy. And contrary to his meeting with Jennifer, Crowley didn't think he would enjoy paying for this soul.
Best he just cut his losses and did something fun to enjoy the rest of the day. He would certainly feel better if he tortured and gutted the human on the other side of the table. Yes, that was a nice idea.
The third meeting was with Peter. The human knew what he liked, was secure in his life, interesting, well-read and knew what he wanted in a relationship. And that was exactly what didn't fit with Crowley. The demon hadn't really thought about the possibility that a possible partner might be interested in settling down and adopting children. He never even liked the spawn he had and that had been centuries ago. What a waste, considering he was perfect in any other way. He was even the right age and Crowley liked the way he looked.
Had this been any other time Crowley would have worked on the human, sadly he was lacking the time for that next to the problems he had in hell. No, he would have to continue searching for a perfect fit.
One a positive note, there clearly were fitting humans out there, and in other circumstances he would continue to search. Even for a demon, timing was everything.
The King of Hell contemplated the demons in his employ. Who was willing to play this part, intelligent, but without too much drive and connections to hurt him and not so detestable that Crowley would prefer to kill them on principle...
Perhaps he should rethink his stance against monsters. Yes, lots of them were nothing more than animals but Shapeshifters had potential, form and gender were not an issue, they were durable and their Jedi mind trick of reading somebodys thoughts didn't work on demons. And yes, most of them went insane after a while, a reaction to the various memories and thoughts from all the different humans they had impersonated, but that wasn't something Crowley had a problem with. They weren't connected with hell in any way, another good point.
He felt his phone vibrating in his pocket, it was time to ignore the hell of online dating for a while and go back to the hell he considered his home.